I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
