call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
