Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
