You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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