I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
