some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
