if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
