i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
