Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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