So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
