I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
