I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
