Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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