i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
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the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
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I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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