I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
