Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
