I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
