Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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