im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
