If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
