it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
