I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
