thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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