How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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