you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
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your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
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i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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