It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
