Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
