Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
