Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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