I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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