I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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