glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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