I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
