Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
