My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
