I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
