you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
