That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
