there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
