Ketchup is God's man juice
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
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He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.