I think I won the penis lottery.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.