shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
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I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
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My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps