My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights