He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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