I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
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3pm strippers are depressing
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
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It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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