I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize