I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
