I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
