Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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