u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
im about as happy as oj after his trial
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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