that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just sent this text using only my big toe
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If I had your ass I would rule the world
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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