i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
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I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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