After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
