Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
