he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
