Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
