thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
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Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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