Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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