I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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