she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
